It seems that you can no longer just live your life, you now have to keep score. I always thought the best way to do that was by using the maxim ..... "Whoever dies with the most toys wins". The trouble with doing that is of course you have to first die to get the score, you'll never know what it is and some other bastard may end up beating you, which kind of makes the concept a little irrelevant. So I am going to invent another measurement tool to keep track of my meandering. See what you think of it.
Utter crap, you wouldn't let your dog anywhere near it (unless he had pissed in the kitchen, threw up in the living room and shitted in your bed). Then he deserves what he gets.
The Black Douglas
Almost acceptable, the dog may like it and you may have to feed it to him. If you weren't paying attention and you'd had your taste and decency glands removed you might actually get away with it.... Shhhhh ..... don't tell anyone.
Johnny Walker Red
The minimum suitable standard. You could share this with your dog (only if you like him) and if he promised to not hump your leg and to piss off when you had a hot date over.
Dimple
Now we're getting somewhere. Put the dog in his kennel, he's not allowed near anything this good. Only bring it out when you have company and then only if you really like them. If you don't, fill an empty Dimple bottle with Johnny Walker Red and see if they can tell the difference.
Laphroaig
Now this is the gold standard. Give the dog away, he shouldn't even be able to smell this stuff. It is usually savoured alone. If you do decide to share it with a friend, make sure he has deep pockets and that he keeps a bottle at his place for the next time you visit.
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